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| It's days like these with people like these |
So it turns out there are only a few Spanish sentences I can
actually pull out of the hat before I am exposed for my basic understanding,
but I had to follow through with my promise of writing my next blog in Spanish
(ok technically I am not writing this in Spanish, but in my head as I type my
internal monologue has a Spanish accent… Does that count?) Let’s face it, foreign
languages have never been my strong point, I am still perplexed as to how I
managed to get a ‘C’ in GCSE German.
You might want to grab a cup of tea, coffee or potentially a
glass of wine and get comfortable as I have a feeling this blog might be a
little bit longer than the rest: October has been a busy month. It’s been full
of working hard on the book and also many nights’ meanderings through my new
home city. I have been pretty sleep deprived since I relocated and I have been
a thousand times more reflective than usual, which means about two thousand
times more reflective than your average person.
I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship this month because
I am convinced that this is one area of my life I am blessed in and my blog last
month touched on RU OK? day. My goodness, over the last year if it wasn’t for my
housewife Alice, I think I would have given up on life altogether. I tried to
put a good front on and pretend that I had everything completely under control,
but I think most people could see through that, due to my inability to really
hide what is going on under the surface, Alice was the most patient, kind and
understanding angel. There is no other word to describe Alice’s arrival in my
life so, as well as calling her my housewife, I secretly call her an angel
because that is exactly what she was and still is. She wasn’t the only angel
there for me at this time, as I was lucky enough to be supported from near and far.
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| Alice and I on our road trip across Australia |
Then, when I moved to Perth from the UK, I was blessed with
a second family. They took me under their roof and made sure that I was invited
to family parties and truly made to feel welcome. I never once felt like a
burden or an inconvenience, I have always just felt like I was always meant to
be there and the transition to Australia was made so much easier by the love
and support they gave me.
Why am I telling you all of this? Not just to do a massive
‘I am so grateful blah blah blah’ speech and to rub my happiness in everyone’s
faces. It’s because I went through a period of feeling worthless, unattractive,
and a whole dollop self-loathing. It wasn’t a short period of time either, it
was a long period of time – the pain I felt in the pit of my stomach, the sharp
pain in my heart and the sinking feeling every time my alarm went off that I
had to face another day. Every day I thought, just get up and go through the
motions. I didn’t even have the energy to tell myself that things will get
better and to keep going. I hid myself away and felt like I was in a pit of
darkness.
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| Over 20 years of friendship right there. Beautiful souls. |
They were not good times and this is why Alice was an angel
at that time. She pretty much forced her support on me… Calling, texting and
showing up at my house on Saturdays with food. She dragged me out by my hair
and nothing was ever too much trouble. We should all aim to do that for someone
in need at some point in our lives, because you have no idea the impact you can
have on another’s life. Alice pushed me out of my comfort zone, ordering me out
of the house and giving me the courage to get back out into the real world
again.
It was a long process and I thought I would never ever get
out of that slump but I did. And I just want to say it was so, so, soooo worth
it. The last six months have been amazing and I feel truly blessed just to wake
up in the morning. Now instead of focusing on what went wrong and all the bad
things that happened to me, I wake up with the focus of everything that is
amazing and how much I have learnt.
I have been taken under the wing of more friends since I
have arrived in Melbourne. It’s like they were created specifically to take me
on to the next period of my life… I know they weren’t (don’t worry I am not
that egotistical) but I am very lucky. I think my appreciation of them reached
its pinnacle on Friday night when I was sitting on Matt’s balcony, sipping cold
beer with the backdrop of Melbourne city. The sun was setting, we were laughing
and chewing the fat. Life was good.
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| My Aussie family and guardians |
We got through enough beer* to sink the Titanic and it was
just one of those moments in life when you feel elated with the love of
friendship. On my way out, I thought it was a fair trade for the amount of
Matt’s beer I had consumed to offer to take out our empties. I literally
staggered out of his flat with a box full of empty bottles, and stacked on top
of that was the packaging of the food we had eaten. I could just about see over
the top of the box. Just.
We had finished our evening with ghost stories, as you do
when it’s dark and you’re drunk. I got in the lift and hit the button for the
ground floor. I was grinning as I relived moments of the evening and replayed
some of our conversations. The lift doors opened and as I stepped out I was
surrounded by 20 emergency personnel. (There were probably three, but I was
drunk and seeing triple… And yes, the math didn’t add up there). It was pretty
surreal and I was torn between dropping the box and putting my hands in the air
while yelling ‘it wasn’t me’ and waiting to be handcuffed.
‘Do you live here?’ a hot woman in uniform asked me, and I
couldn’t help but laugh as I weighed up the possibility that my friends had organised
a strip show for me, (because we have already established I have awesome
friends).
‘No I am juscht taking my friendchs rubbisch out,’ I replied
hiccupping. I was glared at by the 20 emergency personnel while I clattered
around the hallway trying various doors as I realised I did not know where the
bin area was.
I eventually found the right place, threw the rubbish in the
skip and walked back to the corridor to see what was going on. Although I’d
only been gone 10 seconds, there was nobody there. I stopped in my tracks and
really looked around. Was I hallucinating? Was this a joke? I walked out into
the street and it was filled with emergency vehicles: I felt relieved that I
wasn’t imagining things but I couldn’t stop giggling all the way home.
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| Team work makes the dream work |
I got up the following day slightly worse for wear and
Lindsey (‘ere, Linds) gave me a call. We talked through the book and she passed
on some ideas. We had a thorough update on the project, so that afternoon I
began my side of the editing process. The goal is still to be approaching
publishers by the end of the year and I still believe this is very much
achievable. The current version of the book is being reviewed by six very
important people who will influence that final version. Six people whose
opinions I value, so they also have a very important job in the project… One of
the six has finished the new version and I can tell you the feedback on the new
ending is exceptionally positive compared to the previous version, so I am
feeling a little more confident.
The very long point I am trying to make is that we all go
through very hard times and I know it is different for everyone. I know my break
up was not unique and I know my situation might not be a big problem for some,
but it was for me. During those dark times please try to remember that people
love you, people will do anything for you and the darkness lifts eventually.
The best piece of advice I can give is that you have to reach out and you have
to let people in, even if you feel like no one can help you or that no one will
want to listen. Reach out because you have to remember how important you are in
this world, how much laughter is waiting for you and how much you are loved. It
really is worth fighting for and working yourself out of the darkness. And I’ll
be taking my own advice next time.
*Corina Hawkins does not condone the drinking of alcohol in large
quantities during hard times. Only ever in the good times while being totally
responsible.
Written by Corina
Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by
Lindsey Barnett.
