Growing up

Two of my favourite heads

Ah insomnia, my old friend! It's the early hours of my last day in the UK and, perhaps in readiness for heading back to Australia, I seem to have become nocturnal. I've had an amazing few weeks here, centred around my little sister’s wedding. On the day itself, I was immensely proud of her for so many reasons; especially as I watched her protectively walk her new wife around at the reception, and saw how they had thought through a day that reflected them as a couple but also caringly catered for their guests. It was a beautiful day that epitomised both my sister and her new wife!

And who doesn't love a good wedding?! I’ve always tended to get carried away with the frivolity of the day and the celebration at hand, and this one was no exception: I turned into 18-year-old Corina again for the day, and may or may not have coerced some of the party – including one of my more competitive cousins – into a game of Last Man Standing. (The cousin in question is also the first-born on one side of the family, thus aptly named First in Command – FIC.) Well, at 6.45am on Sunday we called a truce, only to discover that one of my other legendary cousins had pulled the wool over both our sets of eyes – she had hidden until we retired to bed, and therefore cunningly stole the crown of ‘last man standing’. Actually, I might have to get on my high horse and rename this game 'last person standing'... Because, FIC, technically you lost to two girls.

This story is leading somewhere, I promise... Family is very important to me as is the wonderment of little people, which sounds hypocritical coming from someone who decided to move to the other side of the world. But it’s true. My family is bloody massive too, to the extent that if we were the Waltons, then the 'goodnight Grandpa, goodnight blah-blah’ bit would not be the closing scene, but the whole flipping episode. And one thing I was struck by when I came home this time is just how much it has expanded over the past few years. Not just in my family, but in my friendship group too, there’s a whole new army of little people around. 

I got to spend a few nights 'co-parenting*', which was precious whilst also opening my eyes to what consecutive nights of sleep deprivation can do to a person! Listening to my friends tell me about their various 'bad parenting' stories had me in stitches, and I had to remind them that turning on Peppa Pig at 5am so you can catch one more hour of sleep – well, that really isn't bad parenting.

As I heard them worry about what other people may think, all I could do was sit there in awe that they are bringing these tiny people up with amazing values and, in my eyes, memories of 'when mum let me crawl into bed and snuggle while we watched Peppa Pig'. Especially when it doesn’t seem so long ago that I was carrying these now-responsible parents home after a night out, as they tried to recall whether it was the left or right foot next before dragging us both into a gutter… With that kind of perspective, all I can think is, wow, you are successfully raising a small human – bravo you legend!

I'm also a little jealous: it's an amazing thing to shape both a tiny humanoid’s life and its values. I was over the moon that my parting gift to one of my friend’s children is that she has now added 'Oh my goodness' to her vocabulary, and I sincerely hope this sticks until she is at least four, to know that I have made even a tiny impact on her life. It’s also made me sad to think that the next time I see her, she will have grown and changed so much; I’m missing these formative years.

I don't think anyone has the right to judge anyone else's parenting style. Babies don't come with manuals, and every child is unique. It's hard enough adulting let alone balancing that with feeding, clothing and shaping another human. I really do mean it when I say I am in awe of anyone who is doing this full-time job! I am also completely jealous as I'd always wanted to bring a little person into this world, which might be why I love helping out with the sproglets so much.

I am always overwhelmed when I go home by the feelings of love and overbearing protection I feel for my niece and nephew. This is why I feel like a hypocrite that I live on the other side of the world, because really I am acting out of selfishness, living out my own dreams when I could be a much larger part of their lives. Especially after finding out last year that there is a high probability that I would find it very hard to conceive a little person. It kind of took away the regret of not having prioritised children sooner in my life, because it was always going to be difficult even with the thrown in complication of a same-sex relationship.

However, I’m trying not to dwell on these things too much. You have to digest the information and then formulate a new plan. I guess the scary part for me was being asked so many times recently if I think I'll have children and was I planning on moving home soon? This is the first time in my life I don't really have a plan. The only thing I've promised myself is that I’ll get my Aussie citizenship – once that’s done, well, I really don't know what’s next. That's both scary and exciting all at once, and I suppose it's the first time in my life I've really been able to think, what do I want? Not, what do we want or what does she want? But, what do I want? Which, in itself, is quite daunting...

Anyway, let's not think about these things until after my citizenship is granted! My trip home made me feel so proud of all of my family and friends. I loved those ‘bad parenting’ stories that clearly do not even register on the scale, and I am definitely in complete admiration of the legendary parents my friends have become. To any parent out there, balancing life, work and your own goals along with cultivating the values and safety of your child – I tip my cap to you.

* exaggerating a little here, maybe, ‘helping out overnight’ might be more accurate.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author and edited by Sophie McClelland.

Mid-year review

It's that time of year

I really should be packing; I leave for the UK in five days and have an exceptionally busy week ahead, and today is my only free day. So I should be packing. I have instead been to the chemist… Then I went and bought some books… Then I had a coffee and read some articles… Then I wandered aimlessly before thinking: I should pack. I returned home, put on some washing, cleaned the bathroom and then I thought: I must really write my blog. So here I am writing my blog when I really should be packing.

I am soon to turn another year older, and when this happens I like to give myself a bit of a mid-year review, which is perhaps just because it’s that time of year – and I’m in HR – but I also like to think that it’s because as the years have gone by I have learnt an essential adulting skill. 

As I sit here reflecting on things, I’m thinking that if somebody had told me five years ago that I would be in Melbourne writing a blog as a single young (debatable) lady (again debatable), I would have laughed in the face of my future – and yet here I am. Today is election day in Australia and my friends will be voting for the country’s future; one I cannot yet participate in as I have yet to be awarded citizenship. It’s also quite a poignant day for another reason.

I am sitting here because of a series of decisions I made, and that’s funny because I am often told I am quite indecisive, which is true when it comes to quite insignificant things like, ‘what do I want for dinner?’ or ‘what colour Toms should I buy next?’ But when it comes to the big stuff, I can be decisive, and I like to think that I make those decisions in an informed way that’s reflective of my analytical nature… As part of my mid-year review I was thinking that it took some adjusting to my single lifestyle, it was strange not calling someone through the day and it was weird working out what to do with my time and making major life decisions without consulting someone else. Going from being practically married to single life is no easy transition; no one prepares you for it and there’s no official guide book on the matter. We’re not even taught how to do it in school; in fact, we’re not ever talked through relationships at school, which seems a bit crazy as they are pretty integral to our adult lives.

Anyway, I’ve distracted myself. The reason today is poignant is because every now and then I hear from my ex (I personally believe in keeping things amicable), and today she contacted me to let me know she is now engaged. It’s been about two years since we separated and it’s funny how lives once entwined can suddenly venture in two very different directions. When we separated I spent time in counselling both pre- and post-break up (I can’t recommend it enough), mainly because of the guilt I felt but also because I felt the need to re-examine myself after suddenly not having that person in my life who had been such a big part of my identity. I quite literally felt like I was suddenly standing in a desert, tumbleweed blowing around me, the heat beating down on my neck and armed with neither map nor water.

It’s amusing in some ways because I was the person who did the breaking up, and people are quick to make assumptions about that – gosh, even I used to make those assumptions. But it was the hardest decision I had to make, and was not a decision I took lightly. I didn’t leave because I felt the grass was greener; I didn’t leave because I didn’t love her anymore; and I didn’t leave because our situation was too hard. I put 100% into trying to make it work because I believe that you should never leave someone simply because it’s ‘easier’ than working on your relationship. Likewise, you should never stay with someone for fear of being alone or facing the harsh reality of a break up.

I made the decision because the relationship had broken down into something I no longer recognised, and I loved her and respected her enough to know I did not want things to continue the way they were – it was unhealthy for both of us. But letting go was the hardest thing I had to do. So getting the message that she was engaged was the moment I went from believing 95% that I did the right thing to 100% because I’m genuinely happy for her. Of course, I’m also very human, and part of me was gutted that in two years I have not found something similar. However, after the sting of the news subsided, I realised I am comfortable with the fact that I am here on my sofa writing my blog. It’s where I am supposed to be right now, or else I wouldn’t be sitting here so comfortably.

I think that one of the reasons I’m feeling a little sad about it is because I’m a romantic: I love being part of a team and couldn’t help wondering why I haven’t yet formed a new and lasting one… Well, Corina (note to self: must stop this third-person referencing thing) it’s probably because my special someone is neither hidden under the sofa nor likely to suddenly ring the doorbell – that would be a bit weird and potentially a U-Haul moment. For me (oh, I’m me again), I have never wanted to actively seek a relationship because you make bad decisions that way, trust me – that’s right my memory goes back fourteen years. I believe that you ultimately attract the right person at the right time (I am sure there is some scientific proof to my hypothesis). Although these days I am a lot older, so maybe I should be rushing the process through dating, but I don’t like the fact that everyone has this expectation that because you’re dating you want a relationship. I want feelings for someone to develop naturally, free from pressure, so that both parties can be free to see where the road takes them.

Realistically my option is that someone meets me while I am dribbling at the bar or performing the caterpillar on the dancefloor while thinking I’m gangsta (I totally am), which doesn’t bode for a great first impression.

I am a very lazy romantic (or a scaredy-cat romantic – take your pick). Maybe they should invent an app for that. I am also too invested in my career and friendships at the moment; I am still forming my life in Melbourne, which involves widening my social circles. And although I am acutely aware that I’m starting to feel ready for that next step in my life, how the devil that will transpire is anyone’s guess. Maybe I should invent the lazy scaredy-cat romantic app, where people go with no expectations and a chill pill to just see what develops. I am sure I can come up with a scientific formula for this…

Ok before I share my multi-million-dollar idea, let’s get back to my mid-year review. My friends keep telling me I should date for fun and excitement. Well, if having a panic attack is their idea of fun and excitement then I have really weird friends, because unfortunately pre-date I get worried about things I shouldn’t even worry about (ok, I might be exaggerating about the panic attack for humorous purposes). Although clearly I can’t be too bad at dating, as I make a lot of friends doing it… Oh, actually, that’s not really the point is it?!

I guess the upshot of my mid-year review is that I have one objective for the remaining half of my year: I was lucky enough to experience the feeling of 'wow, where did you come from?' earlier this year, I had forgotten how that feels, the feeling of excitement and wanting to see where it goes. I want to make someone feel that about me. I am pretty sure that moment will occur while I'm dribbling at the bar... 87.24% certain. Maybe I should just stop dribbling at bars, or buy a bib? Yeah, I might need to invest in a bib.

I got distracted again… Where was I? Oh, yes, excitement – why do people assume that being single means you have to date? The excitement of being single comes from reminding myself every Friday at around 4.45pm that I am single and while I am single I should enjoy, well, being single. What does being single mean? It means that at 4.45pm on a Friday I can persuade others to join me in general debauchery in a bar of our choosing because, as Yoda said, ‘Only once you live.’ So for me it’s not about dating, it is about living a little before some very lucky lady gets tricked by my charm and is then stuck with me for a long time.

It also means that this week I have the freedom to jump on a plane and head back to the UK for three whole weeks to celebrate my amazing sister getting married to the love of her life. Which reminds me… I really should be packing.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author and edited by Sophie McClelland.

Sunshine, lights and torches

I was going to write about a variety of things this month, I had actually written two blogs that I have put on hold since the Orlando shooting happened. It was something that made every molecule in my being curdle, there was so many parts of me separating that I felt numb to my core. I was disgusted that someone attacked the LGBTI community in our safe place, gay clubs aren’t just nightclubs: they are a place where we go to be with like-minded people, a place not to be judged and to come together as a community.

We are humans. We are all humans. Let’s not blame religion. What happened in Orlando stemmed from hate, not religion, there are people in the world that use religion as an excuse for the vessel of their hatred and for the darkness that lives inside of them. They lack complete accountability for their actions, ’oh I did that because God told me’… Did he? Or are you just so messed up in your head that you think it’s ok to buy a semi-automatic weapon and completely destroy the lives of those in the club, their families and their friends!? The majority of people use religion for hope, for love and to help them understand major life events; a guiding light to help them through the darkness. I don’t have the same belief system but I won’t judge people for what they believe unless they are hurting someone. ISIS is not religion, it is hate group; a collective group of haters. They want us to turn on each other and to cause bureaucratic anarchy. It’s fucked. They have no accountability for who they are and what they do.

I will never, ever stoop to such a low life human emotion as hate. We are human beings, living our lives and making it through each day. We each have a purpose, the fact we are each here is a miracle in itself, a one in 400 trillion probability according to science… That precise second that your life was created, you being here on this planet is an amazing thing and nobody, NOBODY, has the right to take that miracle away except for nature and genetics.

We all need to be torches of kindness, torches for what is right, torches of education to eradicate ignorance. If we all individually shine our light, we become vivid and collectively we can spread kindness like sunbeams enlightening the world.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. 
Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have we become so impatient and so transient that we have forgotten what is important? Do you take the time to stop and enjoy where you are? What you have? Even when you sit in restaurants and look around at people on their mobiles, is anyone really present? Have we forgotten the importance of human relationships, of supporting those we love and of acts of solicitude? I mean, really!? It’s so easy to sit on social media and dish out hate speech, share a kind quote, make a joke and troll on other people. That’s part of the problem, it’s so easy to say things at any one moment in time due to the accessibility of the internet… You unlock your phone and the words spill out in that moment. It’s so instant to share and say things, that maybe we are starting to forget the importance of living and of human life.

You are what you do: your actions are who you are, not your words. These were people in their safe place who were just living; just being, they were not harming anyone, they were creating memories with their lives stretched out in front of them and someone purposely went into a club with a semi-automatic weapon with the intent to kill. This was an act of hate and not an act of religion. Orlando was a homophobic act.

It stems back to the fact that homophobia is still alive and well, it brings me back to my marriage equality blog from last month.  Ignorance breeds fear, fear breeds hatred and hatred leads to people being irrational. This irrationality is preventing civilised progress to bring marriage to the true definition of love, just two consenting adults wanting to spend their lives together. Why should someone who is scared (a phobia is a fear, an irrational fear) dictate whom I can marry? Why did fear lead to my sexual preference being made illegal and in some places punishable by death? Complete freakin’ ignorance. So instead of telling me that I am not allowed to enjoy my feelings of love towards whom I please, why don’t you go and educate yourself? Evolve as a human being.

I read an awesome quote, essentially saying we should have a reality TV show where gay marriage opponents should live 100% under biblical law just to show us all how awesome it is. Wouldn’t that be great to put a little perspective on current law and social evolution!?

I would love to stop typing on this keyboard because these words seem fruitless. I would love to organise a little dinner with Malcolm Turnbull, sit across a table from him, look him in the eye and just say ‘why Malcolm? Why do we need a plebiscite? What is your reasoning? You previously claimed you support gay marriage and here you are in an envious position to make Australian history, to progress Australian society – a position most same sex marriage supporters would love to be in. You can utilise that power as a self-proclaimed marriage equality supporter to bring about a bill to equalise marriage, to give everyone in love the choice to pledge their love to the person they love. Are you just another politician full of words and lacking in action? What you are doing right now hurts me and hurts the LGBTI community. We are here for such a short period of time and we have just as much right to celebrate our relationships as anyone else, help us eradicate ignorance and celebrate love. You are not what you say Malcolm, you are what you do.’

Anyway, I am pretty angry, but being angry won’t address anything and I am using my blog to be positive and educate. The whole Orlando situation was grossly unfair that one person’s phobia (remember irrational fear) extinguished 49 lives far too early. This is what happens when you give hate a semi-automatic weapon with shitty gun laws, it’s tragic how America is so opposed to reverse a law that makes killing so easy but is still so disgusted about a law allowing love to be more equal in the form of marriage equality. I am fed up of hearing ‘second amendment’.

Nothing will bring those 49 lives back or retract the irreversible damage caused to 53 others that were injured inside Pulse, but we can turn those 49 lives into a revolution and make their lives mean something and leave a legacy in this world. We can all flick on our torches of love for each other, hold them high and we can all make a stand for equality… Whether racial, social or sexual preference… We’re all human and if you don’t want to get along and help each other through, then maybe we should create a little island called ‘ignoramus’ where all the hate preachers can go and live, then the rest of us can get on with living and loving.

Your light is yours to give and no-one should be able to darken this, so remember to keep your light on, keep your flame burning brightly, not only for you but for the life and the lives of others that surround you.

*I will not name the gunman and give him any fame or accolade for which he does not deserve. Let’s remember: Edward Sotomayor Jr., Stanley Almodovar III, Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, Akyra Monet Murray, Luis S. Vielma, Juan Ramon Guerrero, Christopher Andrew Leinonen, Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, Kimberly Morris, Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, EnriqueRios, Anthony Luis Laureano Disla, Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, Cory James Connell, Mercedez Marisol Flores, Deonka Deidra Drayton, Miguel Angel Honorato, Jason Benjamin Josaphat, Darryl Roman Burt II, Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, Oscar A Aracena-Montero, Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, Shane Evan Tomlinson, Amanda Alvear, Martin Benitez Torres, Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, Javier Jorge-Reyes, Tevin Eugene Crosby, Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, Joel Rayon Paniagua, Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, Luis Daniel Conde, Juan Chevez-Martinez, Jerald Arthur Wright, Leroy Valentin Fernandez, Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, Angel L. Candelario-Padro, Frank Hernandez, Paul Terrell Henry, Antonio Davon Brown, Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, Alejandro Barrios-Martinez, Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez.

Written by Corina Hawkins - soon to be author with assistance from Lauren Kamasz.

Marriage equality

Isn't it about time!? (see what I did there)

As we power through 2016 at an alarming pace, I returned from Perth in May and have done a little reflecting onwhere I am in life and where I might want to head. I’m not exactly the most forward person in the world, ordinarily, but my friend Lauren gave me some advice before heading on holiday in March: I had to go on at least one date before she returned (as I was about to give up) and live in the moment because, as the kids say: YOLO. Well, thanks to following Lauren’s advice I got to experience some of the loveliest moments of the last couple of years. I normally get so caught up by and tangled in nerves, but this time took a leap of faith.

A leap that, I think, had as much to do with the person that makes you want to take a risk and just go for it. When someone who radiates warmth and genuine authenticity enters your life… Well, you want to dance in their music and sing to their melody. You literally take stock and think ‘where did you actually come from?’ and ‘what did I do to deserve such awesomeness?!’

Hold on to that thought, because searching for that someone can be something of a quest. One that should never be embarked upon from a position of loneliness or need, as this will ultimately skew your decision-making; instead, try to remember how an amazing person makes you feel, and aim to find that. We can’t choose who we ‘like’ – granted – but I do think we have implicit control if our motivations are good, honest and without expectation. Remember that - because nobody owes you anything and if your motivations come free of expectations, then you just appreciate the moments and hold on to a little hope that perhaps that awesomeness will continue to grow and that you get to listen to the whole album. (Even if you don’t, you'll at least get to enjoy that one track and hum the tune every now and then.)

Over the past few years (now I’m older), I’ve realised just how much fear (of all sorts of things: what others will think, and of not feeling good enough, among them) has held me back from meeting people and from developing myself. I was so quiet and almost embarrassed by my sexuality for so long that now it feels like I have some making up to do. Over the last couple of years I’ve become more proactive about gay rights and I no longer want to just sit back and allow society to continue ignoring the rights of my community. Last month I listed my gay agenda… This month I want to follow on by tackling the topic of marriage equality.

So, why is marriage equality important? Why do we all - regardless of our sexuality - need to stand up for this fundamental right? To start with, let's ponder the following.

Why are we upholding a law that was made in another country 1674 years ago?

Same-sex marriage was outlawed in the Roman Empire in 342 AD by Christian emperors Constantius II and Constans. The law specifically prohibited marriage between men and took away a right of freedom from humankind – we recognised homosexuality prior to this moment, so what changed?

Constantius II made a concerted effort to promote Christianity throughout the empire and rid it of Roman polytheism (paganism to you and me). Why am I drawing your attention to the Romans in particular? It’s because so many of our political institutions are derived from ancient Roman precedents. It was the influence of the Christian church that encouraged Constantius II to bring in a law prohibiting homosexual marriage. There is much debate about whether gay marriage was legal before this, but certainly before this time gay relations were tolerated.

Unlike homosexuality, marriage is a life choice, which we should all have the right to

Today, marriage is the ultimate romantic concept: together 'until death do us part', which is something that so many of us want to declare to the person they love above all else. Whether to get married (and let's not forget that marriage offers many legal benefits too) or not is a choice, a choice that some of us are currently still denied in Australia - long after the fall of the Roman Empire.

We've managed to get rid of old-school notions of marriage

Let’s also have a look at the history of marriage (rather loosely, as I don’t have time to research this as thoroughly as I would like). Essentially marriage was (and sadly still is in some cultures) a patriarchal means of possession: a woman given away by her father to a man for use as his own personal resource for reproduction, household-labour and anything else he desired. (Not a lot to do with the ‘love’ part.) Another reason to marry was to make the production and ownership of children ‘legal’, so they were ‘possessed’ legitimately. There has been a two-century-long battle for equality amongst the sexes in Western societies. From the mid-nineteenth century legislators have passed a variety of rules that formally moderated the inequalities of marriage. In the twentieth century we made further moves to make marriage a more equal partnership between man and woman – the notion of marriage evolving as we as a society have evolved.

Therefore as a society should we not evolve with that notion that marriage is now truly about love: most importantly equal love? Until modern times why would homosexuals/bisexuals want to buy into this historically unequal, oppressive institution designed for the subordination of women? Now that, finally, the foundation of marriage is love we want in, and why the heck shouldn’t we?

The mistaken idea that legalising gay marriage will cause the breakdown of marriage and the family

This argument (kinda similar) was around in 1887 when, according to come patriarchal luddites, the women’s suffrage movement would ruin the sanctity of marriage. Men like Col. Marshall Murdoch, the founder of The Wichita Eagle, argued that a woman’s ‘natural’ place was in the home and that ‘the designs of the creator’ had sanctioned this.

Well, Col. Murdoch, do you know what happened to marriages and families when women started to vote in municipal elections that same year? Nothing. Nothing happened. Family life continued in the same way. We've come along leaps and bounds in the battle for equality between the sexes, and I can guarantee the people of the world that when gay marriage is eventually legalised in Australia it will do nothing to change the sanctity of marriage. On the contrary, it will enhance it. And, as a further plus point, all the gays will have a bloody big party that everyone will be invited to as we have waited a long time for this moment in history.

Why must we have a plebiscite to decide this fundamental human right?

The first thing I would like to make people aware of is the cost. If the Australian government were to hold a plebiscite to decide if people like me are able to have the ‘choice’ to marry, this would cost the Australian public $525 million (according to PwC modelling). W.H.A.T.? Do we not have better things to be spending Australian money on? Seriously.

Then we look at public polls… Listen to your people… Polls consistently show that 64% of Australians support the legalisation of same-sex marriage. This is a large majority; we don’t need to vote: you just need to pass a bill that other countries have passed. Don’t waste money on this! I would rather it stayed illegal for another couple of years than have that much money wasted on a plebiscite that ends up reflecting what the polls show. Let’s use some common sense.  

Australia’s evolvement

I believe this country has so much to offer the world and has so much growing to do, and that’s why I love it. I am passionate about the future of this country. I urge everyone who lives here to have a voice on the matter – we don’t need a plebiscite we just want a bill to be passed to reflect what the majority of Australian people want. For me, personally, it’s about feeling equal… It’s about one day taking my kids to school and not feeling mocked or deemed any less of a family unit than that of my heterosexual friends… It’s about one day being with the woman I love and being able to be proud about that love and show it off to the world… It’s about having the same legal rights as my heterosexual friends… It’s about equality. We're all equal before the law - so why not extend this to a law that reflects this?

We all feel love, we all love being in love, so why should some of us have more legal rights because their love happens to be with someone of the opposite sex? If the main answer is ‘because God said so’, go back and re-read His book because there are also many passages to the contrary and also many passages that, in all honesty, do you really want them to be reintroduced into common law?

Some background reading:

Why the Romans are Important in the Debate about Gay Marriage Robert Frakes http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/21319

What Gay Marriage Teaches about the History of Marriage Hendrik Hartog http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/4400

Gay Marriage? What Next… Women voting? Randy Scholfield http://historynewsnetwork.org/article/5146

‘Same-sex marriage plebiscite to cost $525m, PwC modelling shows’ Francis Keany http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-14/525-million-price-tag-on-same-sex-marriage-plebiscite-study/7243298

‘Same-sex marriage: Federal Parliament’s political football of choice’ Judith Ireland http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-opinion/samesex-marriage-federal-parliaments-political-football-of-choice-20160316-gnl2ty.html

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

My gay agenda

So this is what the closet looks like!?

It’s blog time again. Time to reflect as well as ponder the next part of my journey to becoming a published author. I’ve written far too much about dating recently and, as much as it is an enjoyable subject, I don’t really feel qualified enough to be passing comments or giving advice on the subject. It’s a bit like Donald Trump running for president… Oh, wait.

Anyway, April has by far been my favourite month of the last couple of years… I felt like I was swept away and didn’t want the month to end. There was so much adventure, so much smiling and so much of feeling lucky with the people in my life. In fact, it was so good I almost forgot I was trying to get my book published! Dating was a natural thing for me to focus on over the last few months because I was trying to convince myself it was a good idea. Obviously for creative effect I drew upon a couple of bad experiences as well as some stories my friends told me, I have also met some lovely people along the way but there just wasn’t that elusive ‘spark’ prior to April.

I have literally dated five people in two years… and I started to think that was a bad thing but I’ve stopped giving myself a hard time over it; I guess I just wasn’t built to ‘play the field’ – and that’s ok, I’m not going to force myself to change. It comes back to doing what is right for you, I agree that for most people you should see what’s out there to identify what you really like but for me, personally, I can’t multi-task and like to get to know someone properly. That was why April was so great, because I stayed true to me and it may have taken two years to get some good traction but it was a way I was comfortable with and I felt happy with. I think that’s the best advice you can give anyone, do what feels right for you (while also being honest) so whatever the outcome there will be no regret.

I did my usual ‘why did I bow to peer pressure?’ analysis and reflection, then I realised something I shared with you a few months ago: I felt most comfortable during my last relationship because it normalised a part of me which, to be honest, is such a small part of who I am. Since it ended I’ve felt like part of my identity has gone – at least, the part of me that normalised my ‘gayness’ and made me feel proud that I was in a monogamous, long-term same-sex relationship. For some reason, not being in a relationship makes that part of me feel abnormal again because of the assumptions people make when you talk about being single. However, I have resolved this with some wonderful gay friends who have thoroughly made me feel ‘normal’ again.

It got me thinking that I have a gay agenda, and not one that involves door knocking and recruiting because that’s impossible and I also don’t believe in forcing my lifestyle choices on others. My gay agenda is that no individual – whether gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual or any other sexuality-defining ‘category’ that I might have missed here – should ever have to suffer with self-loathing or any other mental health issue as a result of not being classed as ‘normal’… In fact, let’s stop using this terminology altogether because, let’s face it, heterosexuality isn’t normal – it’s just common. So here’s what’s on my gay agenda this month:

The phrase: That’s so gay

Before anybody jumps down my throat with the argument that ‘that’s so gay’ is just a flippant phrase, please – may I just point out how frequently I have to bite my tongue for the appearance of social normality to make you not feel awkward about taking the word ‘gay’ and turning it into something derogatory. Then I get angry at myself for being embarrassed to call you on it. I don’t want to upset you… Well, it hasn’t only hurt my feelings but also those of any person within earshot who perhaps is coming to terms with their sexuality and overhearing this has sent them crashing back into their closet. It’s not that I’m oversensitive and can’t take a joke; it’s that as I’ve got older I have become more aware of the harm these insensitive comments can wreak… So maybe you can take a little more care and coach yourself out of using it as a daily phrase. Please.

The questions: So which one of you is the man?

Mmm, what you are really asking here is, ‘which one of you wears the strap on?’* I don’t mind my closest friends asking this question because, let’s face it, I’m not a prude and love a good chat about sex… Except when it comes to a conversation about my partner and me: that stuff is ultra-private and between us. When I have just met you and we’ve been talking for an hour, I am sorry but this is not acceptable. I don’t open a conversation with, ‘so you and your wife: does she sometimes like to dominate in the bedroom?’ (I’m being very polite here; I could say far worse). I understand you’re inquisitive if this is the first time you’ve met a lesbian, but we have the same old relationships as everyone else, standard day to day arguments and a very normal sex life. The logistics of that sex life are none of your business. And yes, I may sound like someone with a chip on her shoulder, but it’s something to have a shoulder-chip about. In public I simply reply, ‘Google it’.

*FYI not all lesbians use these.

Shouting LESBIAN at me in the street

Oh my goodness! Did you just yell out part of my identity in the street for all to hear? Would you shout ‘SUPERMAN’ to Clark Kent? Because, let’s face it, lesbianism is my super power*. Who let that cat out of the bag?! My usual response is to shout ‘HETEROSEXUAL’ back… Mainly because it just shows how stupid the other person is being. Yes, thank you, I am more than aware of the category society wants to put me in to and, yes, I am comfortable with this because by embracing my innate sexuality I get to experience love. So I will take this one on the chin. (No lesbian jokes in response to that, please.) It also usually makes me die a little inside; when you do stuff like this it just reminds me of how out and proud I am not, because I still have moments where I am ashamed and I question if there is a way I can be ‘straight’… Not because I am attracted to men, but because it would be easier day-to-day.

*Note to self: Buy cape on weekend.

It doesn’t define me

Newsflash, lesbianism does not define me. Know what else I am? Kind, considerate, professional, awesome at karaoke, hardworking, crossfit (kind of – I’m injured) and pretty damn good at telling really bad jokes. I don’t ask 782 questions when you tell me you’re married or you have kids… It’s just a segment of who you are. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not being deliberately obstructive – I understand that to eradicate ignorance questions have to be asked and answered. But please just wait until you know me well before you start asking some very personal questions, the first hour of knowing someone is not appropriate. Please also note that I have had to adapt and keep schtum about my sexuality within the first hour of meeting people to try and prevent this too! I believe in teamwork.

Look up the definition of bisexual

Before I get started on this part, please find a dictionary and turn to page… Actually, sorry it’s 2016, jump on Wikipedia and look up ‘bisexual’. Ok, please bear this in mind when you meet a bisexual who is now married to someone of the opposite sex, because a really, really ‘special’ question in this scenario is:

Frank: Oh, so you’re not bisexual anymore?
Hilda: Mmm, no I am bisexual
Frank: Yeah, but you’re with a man now?
Hilda: Yeah, still bisexual
Frank: But you’re married to a man?
Hilda: Yeah, this is getting boring now.

I really don’t understand what is so complicated.

Transsexual

This is someone who feels tortured inside as they have been born in the wrong body. They are not an ‘it’. A lot of people feel this way from a very young age; in fact, the same goes with everything we have covered so far: you do not become, you are. You always know from a young age, the difference is that at a young age most are not equipped with the understanding of what it means because of all of the perceived ‘normality’ around you, which can lead to a lot of self-torture and depression. So often the reason these people struggle with their identity – and can suffer with terrible self-loathing – is owing to the promotion of what is ‘common’ and a lack of understanding for the ‘less common’. (As mentioned above, we’re putting a stop to using the word ‘normal’ to refer to heterosexuality and biological gender assignment. It’s damaging to those of us that don’t fit this comfort of the society norm.)

Giving advice: It’s just a phase

Let’s get rid of this phrase too. ‘It’s just a phase’ should never be said to a young person. So what if it is? Let them explore it – it’s not harming anyone. Be supportive instead of dismissive: ‘ok darling, whatever makes you happy’. The only time you should be concerned or get involved is if someone is hurting them or treating them badly – then of course you intervene for their protection.

Summary

I went through a horrible time coming out and it shouldn’t have been that hard. I naturally fell for a woman and it scared me to death – I literally felt like I would lose everyone close to me and live my life in fear. Thankfully things have progressed since 1996 and people are far more aware and accepting these days. So I am not talking to the majority of people in my blog here, but there are still simple phrases and behaviours that we need to stop saying and doing to really drive us towards becoming all-inclusive society.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author, and edited by Sophie McClelland.

How not to date...

Reset, revive and realise... Or something like that!

Hello there readership! After my little trip back to Perth and making it through Valentine’s month, I am back and thank goodness I wasn’t inundated with loads of love letters as that would have delayed this blog even further. As I begin the month of April I have one mission; to be little more true to myself in one area…

This month I thought I would continue on from my previous blog about dating. Those who know me well know that I hate it. I come from a place of 'I don't need anyone', I am just fine as I am – not that I am a social hermit but I just want someone to complement me and for me to support. I also figure it would be best for my future girlfriend to have a partner who actually likes herself. I’ve had to spend some time reflecting on who I am and liking myself again and I would rather wait until I want a relationship. However, I kept being pushed and had a disastrous 'set up' last year which didn't pan out well, so I jumped back in my safety cage. I think it further emphasised that if you need a relationship you ‘settle’ for someone who isn’t right for all the wrong reasons, whereas when you are not looking, this is when you find the right person… because someone stumbles into your life who you ‘want’ a relationship with, because you are not settling through need and you may just end up meeting your true ‘match’.

Talk is easy however and sometimes I am not terribly strong.  Towards the end of last year a few friends toyed with my phone and I ended up on some dating apps. I met some of the characters outlined in my previous blog about dating. However, I should point out that I should probably be writing about myself with my 'foot in mouth Tourette's' and over eagerness due to my motto of say what you feel, but let’s save that for another blog.

So let’s get onto my ‘wisdom’ of how not to date, because I know I am chilled, fun, protective and exceptionally caring... However when I date I appear like a bumbling, over excitable puppy who should have probably been left on a leash outside by the lamppost. I have to have a lot of self-dialogue with myself to stop all my natural knee jerk responses. It's mainly because I detest bullshit, game playing and dishonesty so I probably go in too much 'heart on sleeve'. I am reflecting upon the last time I was very attracted to someone which was nearly 13 years ago.... So I thought I had better reflect upon how bad I was so it is fresh in my memory. That's right… this blog is written for cathartic and therefore exceptionally selfish reasons. What!? It’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to.

I also realised, about 2.5 years ago I was able to give the most insensitive advice to my friends who were dating because when you are in a relationship you forget the joys of dating. Dating is great on one hand because it is like being 15 again, and dating is bad on one hand because, well, it is like being 15 again.

Be cool:

Now before I start this part, let’s just be clear, I am cool. I am laid back, chilled and like taking life as it comes (if any of my close friends are reading this, don’t laugh). Sure I love to make a plan and head in that general direction but on the whole in basic day to day things I am cool. When am I not cool do I hear you say? Well probably after a successful date… When I met my ex after our first couple of dates I didn’t read the rule books about when you should text and say you like someone and I flew out of the blocks on the ‘B’ of the bang. Let’s face you are at this stage because you think, oh I do enjoy this persons company and they clearly like mine. This is what normal sane people think, however my brain was not wired this way.

Essentially dating is like attending a lot of job interviews which you go into thinking I need a job and therefore when you get that ‘offer’ you are so over excited that you jump at the opportunity without really assessing the job or company properly – you just think ‘someone wants me’. However, if you approach dating more like you are ok in your current role but you want to develop yourself further and really enhance and compliment a company, then you approach your job search differently – you assess the company, you speak to the company, you ask lots of questions and you want to work hard for that company… You get the analogy? So be cool, this is as much about you as them.

Outcome: Do not act upon any information your brain is providing over the first 72 hours post-date. Most of this communication in your brain comes from self-doubt from dating the ‘Charlie Lima Indigo Tango’ tease. Be cool, not too cool as we’re not playing games here but let’s remember what it’s like to be on the receiving end of dating the ‘U-haul’.

Don’t listen to lust:

We all know the beginning phases of dating are swirling with lust, when you feel you have chemistry with someone. It is a highly addictive feeling, now I have never been a substance addict but I am a complete chemistry junkie, if I feel I have it with someone then I want my next fix. It is an amazing feeling but let’s revert back to ‘be cool’ as you don’t want to freak the other person out by coming across that you are head over heels while you are really 
riding the chemistry wave. Lust may also blind you on any alarm bells that may be ringing, like when your date tells you that her ex-girlfriend snored one night so she kicked her out the following morning as sleep is like, really important to her.

Outcome: Take your time lover, be self-aware enough to not dive in and start horizontally dancing (or vertically, because that can be quite fun too) too soon. This just leads to further emotional attachment and before you know, your fourth date is your moving into a two by four with six cats.

Don’t start planning your future:

This could be a totally girl on girl outcome, but it is very easy after a couple of good dates to start imagining your life with someone. It’s also something sensible to do to help you avoid getting carried away with lust. Equally it is bad as before you know, in imagination land you’re in a two by four cuddled up on the sofa with Netflix. You’re thinking how great this imaginary life is with someone you have known for five seconds. Take a chill pill.

Outcome: This can also spiral you into appearing like the ‘U-haul’, it is a very tricky balance. You can also scare yourself out of something potentially good. So try not to get carried away at this stage as it can also lead to…

The freak out:

If the other person is equally attracted to you and starts to message a little more than you would like try not to freak out. Let the process be organic and don’t miss out on something potentially good because the other person is just very upfront about what is going on in their brain (unlike you who tried to keep it under control so you don’t cause the freak out):

How do you manage the freak out? Well, you have to be very honest with the person. Treat them how you would like to be treated… Hey I like you, but please can we take this a little slower. It’s all about respect.

Do what feels right to you:

That’s right, listen to yourself but by removing yourself from your own situation. What advice would you give a friend in the same boat? Had a bad date and don’t want to jump back on the horse? Don’t jump on the horse. In fact jumping on horses can be dangerous for both you and the horse.

Had a great date and want to see where it goes? See where the hell it goes. Had a great date and feel like freaking out? Freak out, but revert back to listening to yourself when you remove yourself from the situation. And if you feel like communicating with your date… Probably wait until the freak out is over and be honest. Had a date and there is no chemistry? There’s no chemistry, don’t over analyse it, be honest and move on. The most important thing is to be authentic and unfortunately vulnerable, because people, this is how we experience a true connection with a significant other.

Outcome: Sorry, I am just in awe at my sensibility to the above. I wish I could totes take my own advice. If I could apply my own advice, I would probably date more often.

It’s very easy to say this now… I am hoping now I am older, I have learnt from my previous dating mistakes and if I am lucky enough to start dating someone properly again it will be because of that person, not because I am ‘making myself’ find someone. If that makes sense? You don’t need someone else to make you whole – you are whole, but you want someone who complements you, who supports you and who loves you for you. If you do find someone who you think is truly a wonderful person then don’t be a dick… be yourself, don’t play games and communicate.

In summary:

We all forget how incredibly vulnerable dating is. It’s about risk sometimes with your own heart and someone else’s. There is so much going on in your head… Did I really learn enough from my last relationship? Will I make the same mistakes again? Will I treat this person well enough? But all you can really do is own your own shit. Don’t try to assume what the other person is thinking or feeling as this will ultimately drive you crazy. Just own your feelings and don’t be afraid of being vulnerable. Don’t game play, be honest and open yourself up as ultimately you will eventually find someone and it will be worth it. However, as I preach this wisdom, I am sure by the time this is published at the end of April I will have deleted all the dating apps and purchased 17 cats to watch Netflix with. Although there is a small part of me that hopes that someone will stumble in, mainly so I can do what makes me happy and that is to be part of a team again with someone who is awesome.

 
Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ with a little help from Lauren Kamasz and Katrina Peden.

Life. Oh Life.

I was very lucky to be in the audience for 'Tears of a clown' by Madonna

Hello there readership, how are we all? My, my, aren’t we powering through 2016 at an alarming pace! I attempted to have a month of organising myself. You know, one of those months where you pretend to adult, make some life plans, sort your life admin and generally try to succeed at, well, in the words of Desiree, life. Then I suddenly realised it has been two whole months and I have not blogged and neither is my life in order. Oh life.

My ability to adult is getting better despite some evidence to the contrary, I don’t actually know what adulting is… I assume it’s where one has the appearance of having ones shit together. I think I’m too honest for that, I am sure most of my stories begin with… You’ll never guess what I did today? It’s better to be real and authentic though don’t you think? Otherwise we end up back in the 1950’s where woman politely laugh at their husbands jokes and nod in agreement with every one of his arguments around the dinner table about how the world is flat. My what glorious times! Well, I am sure all the men reading this would concur life would be better if we could revert back to this era… Then I am also surprised if there are any men reading this… If there are then I imagine they typed in ‘lesbian’ to their Google search engine and are now ‘hugely’ disappointed. Oh life.

There’s also something quite romantic about the 1950’s… The innocence and politeness of it all, but gosh I would not have coped very well. I think it was while watching a wonderful movie (which you have to watch) called Carol with the delightful Cate Blanchett, that the thought struck me of how lucky I am to be alive now because oh my god, there is nothing on earth quite like the experience of falling in love and this movie is unique in the way the characters fall in love. Beautifully shot and much to the disappointment of my accidental Google search followers, the most un-tacky and romantic lesbian movie I have ever seen. However, I think the gloriousness of the movie is the unlesbian-cliché-ness… In fact you don’t even feel like you have watched a lesbian movie. You feel like you have just watched a 1950’s fairy tale of love against all. I have to say that if I had lived in the 1950’s I cannot guarantee I would have had the same bravery… I probably would have been at the dinner table politely laughing and nodding at my husbands jokes… While probably, most likely, no actually – most definitely, secretly lusting after the maid… What darling? I would have totally been highbrow.

And isn’t that rather apt for my blog that summarises my latest adventures through February (well, also March) is also the first time I have felt like watching a ‘romance’ in a long time, especially during valentines month herself. I braved the cinema alone to experience that feeling through someone else’s eyes and it was well worth the experience, so go watch that movie.

Alice and Vicky during birthday celebrations!

It was also the housewife’s birthday month in February, so we should all start singing Happy Birthday to Alice. I headed back to Perth for a visit to help her celebrate the day she was born. While I was back Alice was telling me a little tale from a whale shark experience she had. She was in Australia’s North West heading out to sea, the boat had set sail a mere two minutes when Alice asked ‘are we nearly there yet?’ to which she received the response, ‘it takes two hours to get to the area where the whale sharks are at.’ Alice was already dressed in her wet suit ready to go hanging off a seat excitedly rocking her legs. Now if you know Alice you know this would not have gone down well as patience is not really listed in her strengths.

Another thing and Alice that do not go well is instructions, because along with having minimal patience she also has the attention span of a… Oh look a shiny bit of paper… Ahhh, now I see why we’re such good friends.

Anyway it was explained to stay at the side of the whale shark and not to move too frantically as they like bubbles. Alice missed this little instruction and she swam out wondering why the rest of the group were around the side of the whale shark, she was totally going to get all the action right in front of it! Of course as Alice was swimming, creating little bubbles as she swam, the whale shark was like, ‘oooo bubbles’ and swam towards Alice. Alice got a little bit unsure and swam a bit harder creating more bubbles and the whale shark followed more enthusiastically, and of course the more Alice tried to get away the more her new friend was attracted to her like a magnet. ‘Ooo bubbles.’ When she returned from her trip she showed the video of her experience with some friends who while watching this massive whale shark on the big screen began to laugh saying, ‘what is that crazy tiny thing away from the rest of the group? That is insane!’ to which Alice eventually had to reply… ‘Oh yeh, that, that’s me.’ Oh life.

And this is why we love her and her stories with her wonderful Irish story telling abilities. So as she starts the adventures of her 30’s and I hit the final straight of mine… Mmmm, maybe not straight… Final fence? Final bend? Something like that. I literally have three years to do everything I wanted to do by the time I was 30 (I incorrectly applied the use of the word literally… It’s actually a little over three years but enough of me bragging to my elders…) by the time that I’m 40. I am not sure how achievable that is as I had planned to buy a house, travel South Amercia, the whole of Europe and the West Coast of the States and Canada… Oh life.

The last few weeks have felt very #YOLO, as I ended up seeing Madonna twice in concert when I wasn’t supposed to be seeing her at all. One of the concerts I was very lucky to win tickets to the tears of a clown show. It was an amazing week, however I was greatly disappointed at the fabrication of the press and the lies I read in print… Madonna drunk. Madonna losing it. Madonna was 72 hours late. I was at two shows in Melbourne and she was on point. What saddens me about the press reviews is that they were bullying a 57 year old woman who is quite frankly looking amazing and smashing out a 7 month intense concert. So I go back to my point earlier in the blog about the 1950’s… As much as we have evolved, there are a few areas around gender diversity and age equality I think we need a wakeup call on.

So as we close off the blog of February/March I thought I would share the news that I have a full time editor for the book to try and hurry things along… Well we don’t want to rush things but at last the publisher journey will begin and if I get my skates on I might make millions of pounds/dollars in time for me to do my ‘before I’m 30 list but really before I’m 40’. Then everyone can finally get their hands on my book. Oh life.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’.