Sunday, 7 February 2016

Lesbian dating according to the worst lesbian dater in the world

What!? I'm a catch.

Good day readers! (Me taking an Australian greeting and making it as terribly British as one possibly can).

Well, readers this month I thought I would cover the tumultuous subject of lesbian dating. Over the last year, I have taken one for the team in the name of "research" as my book is essentially a coming of age tale. I thought I really ought to mingle with the masses rather than continue my recent sofa surfing... so I've dabbled on and off with the dating scene like an indecisive meerkat but, as a tireless romantic, I was like ‘better get yourself out there Hawkins’. I’ll tell you now that it has not been successful but, in the name of “research”, here is my handy guide to 'how not to do lesbian dating' and the characters you’re likely to come across:

The Charlie Lima Indigo Tango tease:

I am ever so polite, so I have taken to phonetics to make my point here. The one who 'just isn't sure'. She wants to go on 'just one more date' and thinks ‘you're just great'. There is more stringing along here than bungee jumping off the Royal Gorge Bridge in Colorado: The batting of the eyelashes, saying just enough to make you return for more come back tours than the Rolling Stones... You know you're being stupid. You're friends tell you you're being stupid. Hell, even the tease herself tells you you’re being stupid.

Outcome: the loss of more self-respect than Monica Lewinsky.

The curious one aka 'my husband won't mind':

Once his fantasies are quenched, I have news: Yes, yes, and thrice yes he will mind. This character is the one who retains the vital piece of information regarding said marriage until right up to the last two minutes of the date. The one who makes you think for a split second, ‘Actually, what the hell, let’s do this! #YOLO’. The curious ones initially embark their adventures as a twosome in search of a third, and then decide they would much prefer their horizontal dancing (or hell, even vertical) with you. However, despite popular urban myth, gay people respect the sanctity of marriage* and your common sense eventually kicks in once you’ve consulted at least five friends.

Outcome: emotional head Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo. Do not pass GO and do not collect $200.
*87.3% of gay people according to a completely mythical study I just made up

The U-haul:

After a plethora of disastrous encounters of the vagatarian kind, you meet a lovely young lady. The first date starts well: Chemistry, intelligent banter, laughter... Then things start to take a turn... 'What are you doing next July? I was thinking South France would be good that time of year for a break'... 'Where do you live? That's great for my commute to work'... ‘What are you doing
tomorrow? If I ask the u-haul truck to get there at 6:30pm will you be there?' My dear god this parachute is a rucksack!

Outcome: leave immediately, if not sooner.

The absolute mentalist:

This one is like scientific proof of why some people are 'left on the shelf' and makes you question if your dates have put you in that same category due to your recent misadventures. Within one minute, your date is telling you about the time her friend dropped his pants and exposed himself to a room full of people, then falls off her chair laughing before her phone rings... 'Look mum, f*ck off I'm on a date... God leave me alone'. Then hangs up on her mum and tells you her mum is a d*ck head before then telling you that she has been sitting in a car park drinking Jim Beam all day.

Outcome: wrap up date in 27 minutes and do not give that crazy Bravo Indigo Tango Charlie Hotel your number!

The man:

If it's good enough for your heterosexual counterparts to play the curiosity card, well maybe you should experiment too. Please note this can lead to potentially really awkward Sierra Echo X-ray as you will need to consult a manual.

Outcome: you are probably drunk and your lifetime lesbian membership card will be revoked.

The normal one:

Does not exist: The truth is we're all completely nuts... Just some are better at hiding it than others. Dating helps you narrow down just how much crazy you can love.

Outcome: when you find it, hold on to it while trying not to appear like specimen C - ‘The U-haul’.

That's enough sharing of my wisdom from my recent misadventures. However, I am sure over the next month if I meet 'the one', my blog will be about how we picked out our new curtains, the names of our two cats and our love of motorbike adventures through the Australian bush. What!? A lot can happen in a month!!

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and edited by the legendary Lindsey Barnett.

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