It all got very deep last time didn’t it!? I guess that’s me in a nutshell (look at me, here I am in a nutshell). I vary from not taking life too seriously and poking fun at myself to then getting very analytical and deep about life and ‘what does it all actually mean!?’ Sometimes I send myself to sleep.
So… where did we leave off… Oh yes, the steps of piecing things together… I was piecing together the little shards of glass throughout my body and I was slowly putting myself back together into a much stronger and resilient version of my previous self. It was very lucky at this point that I had handed my project over to Lindsey, phew, because trying to sort your sh*t out and write a book is a little troublesome for most non-multi-taskers.
Suddenly life took a twist and an unexpected turn, just as I thought… I am feeling pretty good about myself again, I have purpose, I know how to have fun again and actually, yes, yes I do have a sense of humour. Cue me becoming a ‘bumper sticker’ collector from trolling Facebook and watching lots of funny YouTube clips to inject some purpose and laughter back in. I was feeling on top of the world. I know, I know, I bet you are all well jel of my life at that point.
Previously I explained that my break up cast new ideas and slants on my story and in true story telling fashion recent life events have again influenced the creative project, which will be tweaked upon me getting the novel back from Lindsey.
Essentially I have learnt a lot about myself over the last couple of months, it doesn’t matter how independent you are, you are not immune to falling for someone. A friend of mine introduced me to a friend of theirs last year, she was a lovely lady – fiercely independent and someone I respected but I was still in my ‘woah is me, my life is over and I have no idea what I am doing’ phase. In hindsight this was a foolish thing to do and brings me nicely to a point that while you are busy looking over your shoulder and also focusing on the future, sometimes you miss what is happening right under your nose. This is me telling off past tense Corina (I am also talking about myself in the third person, I always worry about myself when I do that).
Further down the track, I met this person again and they helped me rediscover laughing and bringing out the mischievous side of me, trust me, this Corina had not surfaced for quite some time (is that a third person reference? In the words of Brittney, ‘oops I did it again’). I started to like this new lady in my life as she had awakened an old part of me that had been buried for the last year. In typical, story like fashion, this lovely lady was unfortunately leaving the country. I didn’t listen to anyone, I liked this feeling and I didn’t care if I got hurt at the end (and this was pretty selfish as I didn’t consider the other ladies feelings either).
What developed was a lovely friendship. I have always been driven from the heart and not the head, so I threw caution to the wind and lived in the moment. Who knows why we meet some people – some say that we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime. At this moment I cannot define that, but I do not regret a second of it.
Anyway, this experience taught me more about myself. Despite being independent and happy with my own company, I learnt that I feel happiest when I am validated as a person. I guess what I mean by being validated, is that someone else validates you are a lovely person and wants to hang out with you because you are fun and supportive to be around. I also love helping people be the best they can, I am at my happiest when this is happening. I don’t think that makes me any less strong or independent to say that I realised that that I don’t need someone but I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to share the journey, to support and have fun with.
It has taught me a lot about what I was trying to say in my novel, I also realised there are some elements I would like to change and that it probably has softened some elements of the novel that I had written while going through my break up. It has helped me rediscover the beauty of getting to know someone else along with the tragedy someone leaving to pursue their dreams.
This leads me to why I have added the song above to the title. The situation was probably on one hand the most selfish I have been when interested in someone else. Right at the end I felt there were other things for this person to explore, I didn’t put up a fight as if you truly care for someone you will allow them to live their own dream and follow their own path. You allow them to ‘fly away’ and be all they can, I have learnt a lot about not hanging on to things selfishly or for fear of loneliness and I have also learnt that as a romantic that I also deserve to be chased and wanted.
Sometimes you need the self confidence in that if something is meant to be, then it will be and that if you truly care then you find that balance. You show you care through actions, not words. I think when you meet someone you care about, you truly think about what is best for them without inflicting your life goals upon them, ideally their goals should complement yours and then you truly come to being with each other in perfect balance.
I’ve said throughout that I want the story to be relatable and for people to read the novel and feel it teaches them something about human relationships, compassion and empathy for someone else’s path. Although the story is focused around the coming to terms with the sexuality of the protagonist, it is also her realisation of how to relate to other people and how to get your head around situations as best you can. Some people will also disagree and feel you should live life more selfishly with your own ambitions followed and also to follow your head over your heart. I can understand this as at the end of the day, it is your life but, for me personally, my life is enhanced by other people and those special enough for me to let in deserve my time and support. They help create the memories that I lay in bed and reflect on. They are the people who really enrich, educate and enlighten me, and those are the people I want to smile about and invest my time in.
Despite the ending not being as it should, I hope these recent events enhance the story further as then it will then leave a lifelong mark on my book because I feel it is deserving of that. This is very exciting and I can’t wait to get the story published! It is getting closer… I promise.
Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.