Two be or not two be

 

Hello it’s me Corina! The last month for me, has really been pretty cruisy, writing the blog and doing some research around some ideas in the book (the star of the show at the moment is Lindsey who is doing all the work with her editing skills). However lovely blog readers, I have decided to change the ending of my book… Duh duh duuuuh! (That was an attempt to do some dramatic music for you all).

On a personal note I was thinking it might be time to put myself out there and date again, but on the other hand… Am I crazy?! Am I really ready? Spending time with humans!? We’re a complicated bunch!

I came to the decision I wasn’t ready when I ventured out into dating world (that’s right it is in an alternate universe) earlier in May and nearly had a stroke before the date, I have since decided it was the worst idea ever. I don’t like the ‘forced’ style of dating, it almost puts pressure from the outset to ‘like’ someone and I would rather it ‘just happened’. So after nearly having a meltdown, I decided my brave talk of ‘I am ready to meet someone’… is a load of tripe and I am as indecisive as I ever was. Don’t judge me readers. I don’t want to be vulnerable, I don’t want to get hurt… At the moment I just want to be loved by my friends and that is enough. I sounded so brave last time didn’t I!? Well, I’m not, I’m actually a little scared (ahhh, maybe I should buy myself a tiny violin).

I come from a place of stubborn independence and wanting to be the ‘hero’ in life. Mum has often said that as soon as I was able to walk I would walk away from everyone, I didn’t want to hold anyone’s hand and if everyone was heading west, I would head east. Mum even tried the trick of ‘okay, bye’, walking off, only to have me respond ‘ok’ and keep walking in the opposite direction. Apparently my first words were, ‘shut up’… Obviously everyone else talking was interrupting my own thoughts or maybe I was talking so much that all I ever heard was my parents telling me to ‘shut up’.

Anyway, having recently been through a period where I suddenly ‘liked’ someone again and spending time considering what that meant (because it must mean something right!?), I started to ponder how I have dated in the past. And the answer to that is ‘Well, I never have’. I’ve never really been particularly ‘out there,’ I’ve just accidentally met those important people that came into my life. Then as I reflected further and reached back through the cobwebs in to the dim and distant past (just kidding, I’m not that old), I remembered the men I had gone out with and which suddenly reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my male friends years ago. Once he found out I identified as gay, he asked me if I had dated guys. I let him know I had and he asked me if one of my ex-boyfriends had ‘turned me gay?’

This question caught me off guard and is something that had never really occurred to me. The reason he asked was because an ex-girlfriend of his ‘came out’ after dating him. He was paranoid it was him that had caused this.

Firstly, it is not possible for someone to turn someone else gay. Not a bad experience with someone of the opposite sex. Not a door knocking lesbian recruiting people for the cult. Not watching a TV show with gay characters. NOTHING turns you gay.

Secondly, it’s a sign of society that people should ‘have’ to date people of the opposite sex to fit in. Also another sign that guys/girls are ridiculed when it is found out that one of their exes was (and always has been) gay/bi, and that jokes are made. I am all for banter and I enjoy being on the receiving end as well as giving (no pun intended!) but I urge you all to be aware of the impact this has on someone who is in the closet.

Thirdly, I am not poking my finger at ‘heterosexual’ society: Another annoyance of mine is that if someone who identified as ‘lesbian’ or ‘gay’ then goes on to date someone of the opposite sex, they are also ridiculed. I have again heard many jokes… ‘Oh look, here comes the hasbian’. Why can we not just accept that people are just attracted to who they are attracted to? It doesn’t change who they are fundamentally, they are the same person you cared for. It does not matter who people are attracted to, as long as two consenting adults are enjoying the feelings of attraction/love etc. We should just be happy for each other (cue people skipping through a meadow field with flowing white dresses).

Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that I was attracted to the guys I went out with and if anything they should take it as a compliment. Imagine if you grew up in a world where dating the same sex was the norm and everyone else was dating the same sex but you found the opposite sex attractive and made connections with them. However, you hear this feeling is wrong. So you go for the elite, a person you get on brilliantly with and that aesthetically you find attractive. You pick the crème de la crème in your eyes. However, there is always something holding you back from fully giving yourself to that person. That was how the penny dropped for me – I felt electricity around women who I found attractive. So technically, you should not ridicule these people – you should slap their back and they should gloat about it. It is very flattering, but equally not a fair process for either party and the more we talk about it, the more people can be honest about their feelings.

However, I believe fundamentally in attraction and so I never judge anyone on their choices of partner (unless that person is being abusive). Why we find people attractive is something I am naturally interested in. What is it that attracts us to certain people and makes us want to be around them a lot? Is it superficial? An energy? A chemical? I guess writing a novel makes you think about things more than you usually would… However, I have always thought quite deeply about things and used to wake my Mum up in the middle of the night with the most ridiculous questions before being told to ‘get back to sleep’. Unfortunately this has never left me.

So that’s been the last month, me overthinking and Lindsey still powering through the edit. However, my overthinking has made me tweak sections of the novel and I have sent that over to Lindsey to edit with the rest.

 

The best stories in life (for me) are around stories of how people meet and fall in love. It’s even better if the story has lots of ‘nooooo’, ‘never’ and ‘wow’ moments. Life is all about experience and I find the experience mainly comes from the people we meet. So be grateful to everyone that has been, will always be and will pass through your life.

Written by Corina Hawkins, soon to be author of ‘Tattoos of memories’ and creatively bossed by Lindsey Barnett, who is a legend.